Responding to Real World Needs with Coaching Skills
by Tina Stoltzfus Horst, M.S., Master Trainer
As coaches, how can we flexibly use our skills to meet current needs in the world around us? Maintaining presence, listening intently, and asking powerful questions are competencies that can be deployed in a variety of contexts and situations. Recently, I spoke with Ella Fesenko, FOCOS Coach and Trainer, to hear more about how she is using coaching skills with refugees from her home country, Ukraine. Here is what I learned:
One word that characterizes a refugee’s state of mind is “uncertainty”. They often feel they have lost control and may be desperate for help with urgent needs. Part of meeting the refugees where they are is to show them that you accept where they are: they need help with urgent, immediate needs before they can focus on other things. And that concrete assistance can open the door for conversation. As Ella says, ”when they see that I am really paying attention and I will answer their immediate questions, then they can relax a bit and say to themself, ‘someone is going to help me’. They calm down, this tension disappears. After they have caught a deep breath, and they see the acceptance and the safety, then I can see them open up about other things and ask some questions.”
Another way of meeting the refugee where he/she is to simply express interest and care. Ella recalled the story of God meeting Elijah in the cave in 1 Kings 19. Elijah had just fled in fear for his life. He had no food or water. An angel comes to him and brings him food and drink. Then he continues journeying to a cave at Horeb. There God meets him and asks him, twice, “Elijah, what are you doing here?” And Elijah answers by telling his story. After meeting immediate needs, we can ask displaced people,“where did you come from?” “what is your story?” “where are you right now?” As we sit and listen with deep care and empathy, it may be that they will begin to share more of their story. Often we don’t have to say anything: we simply offer our presence and caring attention.
Ella shares, “When I am with a refugee, I want to look at them, listen to them, try to really understand what they are saying and what is behind their words.” These are the familiar coaching competencies of cultivating trust and safety, maintaining presence, and listening actively (ICF core competencies #4, #5, #6). This is the way we embody the heart of a coach, God’s heart!
Giving the refugee who is ready a safe place to tell their story can be a great gift, a beginning of healing. Relating the story of what they have been through can help organize the memories, beginning to give words to the feelings and experiences. Though coaches are not therapists, and specialized care is often needed in the aftermath of trauma, we can listen when refugees feel safe enough to begin to share their journeys with us.
As coaches, we want to manage our formal coaching conversations by moving from goals to action. These kinds of coaching conversations are usually not possible for the refugee in crisis. Ella says, “We must change our expectations. This is very different from our normal coaching clients. People in crisis are not growth oriented. They are not focused on working on themselves.” The immediate future is what is relevant: We can ask, “what are you hoping for in the next few days?” “what is the next thing for you?” Small steps focused on what can be done today or tomorrow may be all that is relevant or helpful.
Ella shares that with some refugees who have established more certainty about their future and are feeling a bit more settled, we can explore and ask more questions. Perhaps they have food, housing, and temporary provision for the immediate future and the refugee shares, “I want to go home in six months”. We can ask, “What would it give you to be back home?” Or “How would it make a difference for you - to be back home again?”. We can ask, “What do you expect to see there when you come back?” or “What will life look like for you and your family if there is still war where you are going?”, or “What will you expect for you and your family when you go back?”. We can ask, “when you arrive, what do you expect to find in your town? What about the kid’s school? What work will you do?” These questions can help the more displaced person begin to imagine the future.
Ella gave a final suggestion for us as Christians ministering to those in crisis: to look for opportunities to share the hope we have. “Whenever it is appropriate, in the spirit of love and with sensitivity, share the gospel of truth and grace.” Our hope is always in Jesus, and he is enough to meet the needs we cannot meet. As Ella says, “nothing and no one else will be sufficient.”
God can use our coaching skills in many diverse situations to meet the needs around us. What are you learning as you deploy your skills with those in need? How has God used what you’ve learned as a coach with refugees and displaced people?
Tips for Using Coaching Skills with Refugees:
Doing something purposeful together while talking may be helpful. While eyes and hands are focused elsewhere, feelings and thoughts may flow out more freely. Talk while cleaning the kitchen together, while walking, or while filling food packages for others.
If a refugee opens up and tells you their story, it may deeply impact you. They may have had some horrific experiences. They will likely have strong emotions. Take care of yourself by preparing with prayer, debriefing afterwards if you need to, and giving yourself permission to take care of yourself so that you can continue to walk alongside.
Offering support and encouragement is helpful. Refugees in crisis need this even more than our regular clients. Due to the difficult or dehumanizing circumstances they have been in, they may have had little positive input or affirmation.
