Coaching towards Alignment with God’s Purposes and Heart

By Ella Fesenko with Tina Stoltzfus Horst

“We help people find the heart of their call. Their primary purpose is not to do something for the world, but to be Christ to the world through what they do.”  Tony Stoltzfus, in “Christian Life Coaching Handbook:  calling and destiny discovery tools for Christian life coaching”.   

One of the joys of Christian coaching is when a client wants to align their lives with God’s purposes. Tony Stoltzfus identifies several components in this process of destiny discovery, including understanding your purpose, eliminating tolerations, clarity on call, and more. A key element he shares is identifying and overcoming internal obstacles and alignment with core values. 

When beginning the process of life purpose coaching with Christians, it’s important to seek understanding of and agreement about the standard the person wants to align to.  Are we agreeing to use the truth of God’s character and word as a compass to navigate the walk together? What does that mean to the client? What does this look like in a real coaching conversation?  

Let’s take a look as this coach gains agreement on the “compass” and then helps the client identify false beliefs and move forward to freedom and new understanding:  

Establishing agreement

Coach: In what form would you like to get to this at the end of the session?

Client. Maybe it's a couple of sentences about who I am?

Coach.  Like a description, or like a paragraph that describes who you are?

Client. Yes. A New look at who I am.

Coach. Ok. And what are the key aspects that you would like us to talk about as we are exploring this new perception of self?

Client. Maybe how God thinks about me in terms of mistakes. And... maybe what is true, truth about me.

Coach and client agree on what the truth, their compass, is: 

Coach. Okay. And what’s the difference between how God thinks about you and the truth about you?

Client. I think that it’s the same.

Coach. And you want to see how God thinks of who you are?

Client. Yes

The conversation  continues within the banks of truth and agreement as the client describes her old way of thinking and her search for a new approach:

Client. It's just feelings; it’s my feeling that it’s not the right approach because I feel like I am paralyzed by this feeling. 

Coach. Paralyzed is a strong metaphor. Please, say what stands behind this feeling of being paralyzed?

Client. Ashamed and…some thoughts in my mind that you are not a helper, you did bad things and I did not have a strength to help K. but at that time I understood that it will be better to help him but this feelings I felt like I am paralyzed, I cannot, I could not do the right things.

Coach. What is the right thing?

After the client identified what was wrong in the old way of thinking, the coach and client discussed the new perception of self and of who God is from a biblical perspective:

Coach. Okay, so, when you know that you are a child of God what does it say to you with regards to your mistakes and sins?

Client.  I remember I asked myself how  God looks at me when I sin in the position of his child.

Coach. Do you know how?

Client.  I am not sure because I don’t have my own kids. And maybe I don’t …(know) what it means for him when kids do something bad. What he feels is interesting to me.

Coach. How can you find out what he thinks?

Client.  I know that the Bible says that my sins are forgiven but for me it’s like a general statement... but I know that God, he is alive and it’s a relationship between us. And for me it’s very important to know exactly what he feels  and what he thinks and it’s hard for me to know because in the Bible…. maybe I’m wrong, I don’t know, it is not written, “when you sin, your father feels very sad” (laughs)… do you understand what I mean?

Coach. Yeah!  So, what else do you know about his character and his attitude toward you that may be a hint for you (about)how exactly he thinks and feels?

Client. I remember the movie about the Prodigal Son, the emotions in the face of God, on the face of the father. He was very sad when his son went away and he was very merciful when his son came back and he missed his son. He forgave his son when his son repented and he did not judge him. And this week I was thinking about it, that God, he is not interested just in good or bad behavior. He is interested in us, in our relationship, in our communion, communication, how I value him, how he values me. That’s...That’s more than just ordinary Christian life with good or bad behavior.

Coach. So, I was thinking, if he values relationships so much and not like you said for you being right or wrong, it sounds like, if this is true what you say, it sounds like he would want you to be with him even if you demonstrated bad behavior. What do you think?

Client. I think that he looks at me like I am a child in a relationship. That is like a foundation for all. And then I feel like, when I do something bad he just wants me to come back (laughs) and he still loves me because of, because of our relationship and because of him and because of my position as a child. I think that's true.

Agreeing to God’s Character and Word as the Compass

The core feature and purpose of  coaching toward calling and destiny discovery lies in  helping clients align their lives with God's purposes. Tony Stoltzfus, in his book “Christian Life Purpose Handbook:  Calling and Destiny Discovery Tools for Christian Life Coaching” and the Life Purpose Discovery course, prepared a toolbox with various exercises and techniques to equip coaches for working in four main areas: design, desires, passions and dreams and life preparation and calling. Coaching toward  heaven is meant to uphold Biblical truth as the one and the only standard for your client and yourself.

“But If we coach people toward heaven, isn’t that our agenda?”  We are not putting our values and agenda on the client if from the very first meeting we agree to use the truth of God’s character and word as a compass to navigate the walk together.  Amos 3:3 says, “Shall two walk together, except they have agreed?”

The ICF core competencies 1.1, 1.2  from category A. state that we are to exemplify “personal integrity and honesty in interactions with clients'' and to be “sensitive to clients’ identity, environment, experiences, values and beliefs.” Life purpose coaching and coursework is therefore a platform upon which the professional Christian coach: 

• Inquires about the client’s values and beliefs

• Agrees with the client in upholding God’s character and word as the compass 

• Challenges the client’s functional values and beliefs if they differ from the originally stated ones

• Provides accountability, leaving the responsibility for choices, decisions and actions to the client 

Agreement to hold Biblical truth as the standard or compass for life purpose coaching creates synergy between coach and client and prepares the way for the client's spiritual and life transformation!