Navigating in the Deep Waters of Motives and Values
Working with the intentions (motives or desires) of the heart of a believer is a very sacred place. The agent at work here is the Word: "For the Word of God is… quick to discern the thoughts and intents of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12
In his Iceberg Model of Competencies, Harvard psychologist McClelland placed motives at the bottom of the iceberg, considering them the most hidden component.
What makes people let coaches in so deep?
How do you navigate the depth in a godly and professional manner?
At first, people try to implement a new desire on their own. Something inside of them strongly resists their newly born intention. Then, they might hire a coach to help break through the unwanted resistance.
Clients share their motives and feelings openly when they trust and feel safe. They also need ongoing support in applying new knowledge between sessions (PCC markers 4.3, 5.5., 6.1-7, 7.1-5, and 8.4-6.)
When working with motives,
Thoroughly explore the situation, bringing every intent (desire) to the surface and means of its satisfaction. Unpack the meaning of core desires until the client is crystal clear about their value and significance (importance).
Acknowledge that the Holy Spirit initiates, illuminates, and empowers change in actions, not the coach or even the client.
Let's expand on the above mentioned points with an example.
A wife wants to quit arguing with her husband, following the command found in 1 Peter 3. Her motive is to win him for Christ. She became frustrated with her behavior because whenever she tried to keep her mouth shut, something inside her pushed her to speak up.
1. Explore a client’s motives:
"What prompted you to pursue a behaviour change?" (What's behind the desire to be silent?)
"Describe ( the latest argument) what was going on there."
"What does IT( proving your point by words)mean to you?"
"What makes this ( speaking up in the argument) so important to you?"
"What does IT give to you?" ( speaking up)
2. Validate the value of clients' core desire(s) based on their story.
"It's so important for you to win your husband for Christ. You used to speak up and prove your point because you believed you might change your husband's thinking. It looks like not the motive but the means of speaking up haven't worked. And it has brought a lot of disappointment to you."
3. Similarly, explore the new process to achieve the desired outcome. This might increase your client's desire to wait for delayed satisfaction.
"Imagine that you believed God's Word with all your heart. You surrendered. You became silent; the Lord is working on your husband's heart. Describe a conversation without you giving into the argument. What are you feeling? Thinking?
Compare feelings in your usual experience and your desired experience.
4. Help your client see the difference between old and new means, beliefs, and desires. Challenge them to consider the cost of moving forward with new desires/means if necessary. When clients have competing desires, propose to ascribe the hierarchical value to each desire.
5. Hopefully, all motives and their costs/means are clear by now. From Hebrews 4:12, we learn that the Word discerns (ASB) (kritikos in Greek) motives. It might be a good time for reflection, or if your client wants to engage God in the discernment process, the following questions might be helpful:
What's the Holy Spirit saying about your desire(s)?
What does He ask you to let go?
What's the invitation from Him to you?
What is the provision?
An inner change in beliefs means, or motives or a shift in their hierarchy might occur here.
6. The coach extrapolates their new knowledge to the future process (the client's action plan):
What resources do you need to help you overcome the new experience with minimum resistance?
Who could support you, and how?
Clients' intense learning does not end here. It goes into the experimentation phase with a new awareness of motives and means for new actions.
Learn more about working with client's desires, values, and beliefs, catalysing inner transformation in the training: Life Purpose Discovery course and
Transformational Coaching for clients that need assistance in coping with stress
