How to Listen in a Noisy World

Recently, during a coaching session, my client looked at me suddenly and said, "What was the question? It just popped out of my head…."

We both burst out laughing. The question had popped out of my head too.… We had been working together for almost two years, and in each of our conversations we had experienced an open, trusting space with constant discovery and learning. I stated the question again, and we continued to explore what she was very motivated to clarify for herself. I was completely there, present in the meeting, and yet... too many thoughts and processes were going on in my mind.…

Surely, each of us has experienced at least one or more moments like this. It happens maybe even more frequently than before, that the noise in our thoughts becomes loud enough to hinder our ability to be fully present. The quality of a conversation depends to a large extent on how well we listen, whether in a team setting, individually, or during a business meeting.

Whether we are in a face-to-face conversation over coffee or in front of a screen, being present means feeling the tone and pace of the conversation, the inflections and intonation, the energy behind the words. It means hearing not only what it is said but also how it is said.

… What in nonverbal language seems to communicate more than what is said in words?

… What seems to contrast with what has already been expressed? 

… What patterns are beginning to emerge and how do we create more awareness for the client?

The ICF core competency 5.2 points to our ability as coaches to focus on acting in response to the whole person of the client (the who) and (the what) 5.3. Our ability to listen and be present is actually intertwined in all the ICF core competencies.

After the pandemic, many of my entrepreneurial and manager clients have brought up the difficulty of being able to focus. Regardless of the term we use, it is a phenomenon that researchers call cognitive overload, brain fog, or mental fatigue. Simply put, it is the struggle to stay focused.

Our ability to listen depends on the space we have available in our minds. When we work on a problem, especially an unfamiliar one, we depend on our “working memory” which is very limited in both its capacity and the length of time it can retain information.  (Cognitive Load Theory (CLT), John Sweller). Many of our activities can be done almost on autopilot.

However, in our coaching activity, each conversation is unique. Partnering with the client requires 100% presence and concentration on our part. Any “noise” or distraction diminishes the capacity of our “working memory.”

Without a doubt, the biggest enemy of listening is our inner noise. Although in the new reality we live in we cannot completely eliminate multitasking, we can and have every reason to protect our ability to listen and stay focused. Here are three ways that can help us recenter and be present.

1. Create space for yourself

There are different degrees of listening. It takes space and inner peace to be able to listen without judging what is brought into the conversation and to be able to bring back, through a question, those fine, nuanced observations. We manage to be present with others to the extent that we are present with ourselves, with our thoughts and emotions. An unresolved conflict, a discussion that has not yet been processed, successive meetings without a break, all impact the alertness in our mind and emotions.

2. Pay attention to emotional filters

The capacity to listen is affected by our emotions. Instinctively, we can mentally block what we do not want to hear. If what we hear opposes our values, knowledge, beliefs, habits, or our most deeply rooted complexes, our brain can become overstimulated in a direction that actually blocks real listening. Or, conversely, when someone says what is completely aligned with our beliefs, habits or experience, our critical thinking becomes passive. Our mental barriers are removed and everything is too easily accepted.

In both situations, our ability to challenge the client's thinking towards greater awareness decreases significantly.

3. Increase your awareness through a Reflective Practice

Becoming more aware of ‘who we are as a coach’ will deepen our connection with our clients and increase our confidence and the effectiveness of our coaching.

Having a reflective practice can help coaches gain insights into their strengths and areas for development, refine their coaching techniques, and cultivate a deeper understanding of their clients' needs, ultimately fostering a more impactful and transformative coaching experience.

What helps you stay focused when the noise is getting louder?